she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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