I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
