She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
