My sheets look like a crime scene.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
