i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the condom got lost in my hair
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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