Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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