had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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