dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
