You work out of a Hotel?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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