At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Randomize
