I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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