is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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