you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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