...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
