I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
