U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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