you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
