Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Randomize
