proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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