Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
