I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
