What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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