If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
