So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
