I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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