I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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