no, he came in my armpit
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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