Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
