This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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