eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
