Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This is the high leading the old right now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
