When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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