i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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