At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
