I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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