Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
