I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
