I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
