You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
