I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
