I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
