Got a toothbrush?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
