I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My life is pants optional.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
