What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
