wanna go halves on a baby?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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