Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
