I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
