i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
