my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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