my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
