Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
